"Navigating the Emotions of Graduation: Pride, Fear, and the Accomplishment of Parenting"

It’s high school graduation day, and although I am not a basket case, I am awash with too many emotions to count. How will I make sense of them all? Can I keep it together during the ceremony?

This graduation belongs to my youngest child. He has worked hard, studied well and is excited to move on to his next chapter.

The sky was overcast and clouds were looming on this Sunday. The amphitheater was ready. It was the type of day that, despite the impending rain, you squinted to avoid the sun as it randomly peaked through the clouds. Humidity was high. Umbrellas were in hand.

The graduation was supposed to be the day prior, but the school had a few issues with the city who owns the property. Consequently, the day was pushed forward. So here we were. Many parents, friends and guests who made last minute travel changes ready for the event.

The school’s graduation is unique. Anyone from the graduating class who wants to speak or perform is welcome. A nice idea in theory, but sometimes the ceremony can last 3 hours or more! This day it lasted 1.5 hours and fortunately beat the rain.

As I watched my youngest child walk across the stage in his suit (they don’t do cap and gowns here) I was filled with pride. This once tiny being, now a young man, shook hands with the powers that be and sat down in his designated chair on stage, diploma in hand.

My mind started to race with questions:

Could this really be happening? Was my youngest really graduating from high school and moving onto college? Yes, ready or not it is happening, I reminded myself. The questions came faster. Have I done my job to the best of my ability? Do I have regrets? Is he ready to move on? Yes, I silently reminded myself. I have done everything in my power to raise three good humans. To teach them right from wrong. To be kind and respectful to all. To ask questions and understand rather than judge. To problem solve. To give back. We have worked on all of it and more. Day after day, month after month, year after year. I don’t have too many regrets - of course a few linger, but that’s a separate post.

So why so many conflicting emotions? Pride, fear and anxiety were all competing for my attention. Interestingly, my ability to be present overruled all of these feelings, but they still lingered.

It took me a while to figure it out, but I believe this is the main reason.

Like it or not, when I left the corporate world to be a full time parent, my identity morphed. I eventually came to the realization that it was wrapped into that of my kids. When they had wins, I had wins. It didn’t matter if they were academic wins, athletic wins, personal wins - whatever. They felt joy, I felt joy. Conversely, when they felt loss, I too felt loss. It didn’t matter what the loss was- our identities were tied.

Many people might be saying, “You shouldn’t let that happen. You should maintain your own identity.” To them I say, “You’re right, I should. But I’m human and this has been part of my experience.”

Sure, I have my own friends, hobbies and part time work, but the crux of my identity, like it or not, has been wrapped up with that of my kids for a long time. As they move on in the world so will I but that doesn’t mean I know exactly how this is going to work. I need some time. Time to reflect on what I’ve done for the past 23 years. Time to understand what I want to do next and time to realize that graduation is both an ending and a beginning. There were laughs, tears, frustrations and the normal range of human emotions over the span of more than two decades. Why should this be any different?

The grief that I feel seems fitting. It is precisely because I enjoyed this journey that I am sad. I loved (most of ) those days. Who’s to say that has to end? Sure, my kids won’t be living at home anymore, but I fundamentally believe that a changed relationship with my kids can be a great one- perhaps different and even better than it was previously. I find myself coaching them on more complex and different life challenges. And I like that too. I am more a mentor these days than a parent - and for me, that’s a good thing.

So perhaps when we are sad about this life transition, what we are really saying is that we are fearful of our impending life change. For the most part, we liked being needed. Despite some of the craziness, we liked the predictable way that things were. We were used to them and didn’t want them to change. However, why not challenge that feeling? Consider that the unknown can be better than the past. We may be comfortable where we are with our relationships but that doesn’t mean they can’t get better and that we might like them even more in the years ahead.

We don’t know what the future holds for any of these relationships, so why not assume that they are going to be fantastic ? Should we really fear the next phase of our lives because we really don’t know what awaits? Does that really make sense? Be open to the possibility that the best is yet to come, because it may be.

As the graduation progressed, I thought about how pleased I was that my husband and I have arrived here. These types of events are truly remarkable for so many reasons. This human being that I have been with from moment one is ready to move forward based on the combined work put into his upbringing over the past 18 years.

With that peace of mind, 3 hours after his graduation, we flew to Maryland for my older son’s college graduation. Yes, within the span of 24 hours, we had both a high school and college graduation. Monday morning we were in our seats waiting for the journalism school’s graduation ceremony to start.

It was 10:00 am - 24 hours to the minute after the high school graduation. The familiar and symbolic “Pomp and Circumstance” music played loudly into the room as the students filed in with their red caps and gowns. One by one they smiled and waved as they made their way to designated seats in the middle of the floor.

Interestingly, I always got teary when my oldest came home and returned to school over the years. At graduation I was not sad. I was truly happy. This was my first child. The one who challenged my sleep, my ability to understand and interpret cries, cues and random noises as an infant. The one who hurled Cheerios from his high chair and laughed about it. The one who tried different sports, who went to sleep away camp and the one I taught how to drive. The one who had all of the firsts with the mom who, in the beginning, had very little idea what she was doing. There he was. He too walked across that stage, shook hands with the dean of the college and returned to his seat, diploma in hand.

He was happy. Truly happy. He is also one of the many kids who was denied a high school spring break, a prom and a graduation thanks to the pandemic. Keenly aware of the disappointments he faced during his senior year in high school, I was particularly pleased to watch him and his classmates participate in this incredible ritual.

Later that evening was the main university graduation. Held in the football stadium, this ceremony celebrated all of the 8,000+ students. The commencement address was given by Wes Moore, the current Governor of Maryland. His speech was both dynamic and on point as he told the graduates to “choose tough” rather than the easy path forward in life. Red and white fireworks above the football stadium lit up the sky as the ceremony ended. These kids needed and wanted a real graduation. They certainly got one!

Once again feelings of pride, happiness, relief and satisfaction filled my soul and I smiled with confidence that I did an imperfect job to the best of my ability. No regrets. I was there for it all- the good and not so good. The hard and the easy. The social wins and disasters. The academic accomplishments and missteps.

After, the ceremony we all went to a very packed bar to celebrate with our son, his friends and their families. He was probably expecting my typical tears, but I was smiling throughout the night. He had navigated a freshman year with social distancing and masks, joined a fraternity, found his people and was in his element. I was grateful.

With the age span of my oldest and youngest, I knew that I would have two graduations around the same time. I will still have two in college this fall, but now no one will be living at home. I had been thinking about this for a while. Would the house be too quiet? Would I be stressed to find the next thing? Would I have ways to spend my time that were once again meaningful?

The short answer is that I don’t know. I believe I will enjoy this next phase of my life and it will have its own challenges. For now, however, I prefer to remain present with the happiness and contentment that fills my soul. After all, what’s the alternative? No graduation? Another year of high school while friends have moved on?

Thanks to my husband’s hard work outside the home over the years, I had the opportunity to raise three kids and to witness the culmination of my work - to this point. I think about the time, energy and effort that went into raising these humans. Sacrificing my professional career was hard for me, but I know that I imperfectly gave this new career my all. Every day.

We returned from Maryland after our 36 hour trip and of course went to the grocery store. I now have two kids at home for the summer and await the third. “What’s for dinner?” is a sound that once again echoes around the kitchen walls.

As I was leaving Trader Joe’s, I noticed two events in the span of three minutes that reminded me how challenging this parenting gig can be and how far I've come. A young mom was sitting down near the cash register her two young sons - maybe 3 and 4 near her. They were trying to amuse themselves as she held her head in her hands. She had gotten nauseous or dizzy while in line. The clerks at the store were getting her some juice as her kids were asking her what was happening. She was trying to keep it together but was clearly in some distress.

Knowing she would be ok, I headed towards my car, I heard, but could not see, a tantrum in progress. From inside a car, a very loud and unhappy young child was expressing his current dissatisfaction with his young mother. She stood outside of the car, doors open as the tantrum continued. This child’s screaming echoed off of the cars and the pavement. You couldn’t avoid his performance if you tried. That poor mom.

These two events brought me back to similar events I, and I’m sure many other moms experienced with young children. This job is hard. Actually, who are we kidding, it’s the hardest.

So, if you have kids graduating from school, congratulations to you. Pat yourself on the back. You raised a human to the best of your ability. That is something worth celebrating. There will be time to figure our your next chapter at some point, but right now, sit back and take a breath. Then, take a look at those young adults and remember how you got here. You did a great job.

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